3 years - 100lbs

In October 2011, in a desperate effort to change our lives, my husband and I made our first attempt at getting weight loss surgery. We all know that didn't work out, but that's not the reason I'm bringing it up. I'm bringing it up because on that day I weighed in at 374lbs.

Three hundred and seventy four pounds - just in case it wasn't clear.

I'm not proud of that fact, not at all. I'd let my weight get out of control and gained 75lbs in a little over a year. I was tired, feeling sick and knew my life was in danger.

Today - just a little over 3 years later - I weighed in at 101lbs less than that weight. It wasn't my highest weight (that was actually closer to 380 in November of 2009), but this is my largest weight loss ever.

I think the part of it that feels the most surreal is that as long as I don't totally screw things up, I'll never have to lose those 101lbs again. They are gone, evicted, destroyed and will not be missed.

I still have quite a long way to go (ideally another 100, give or take), but it feels like a pretty awesome milestone nonetheless.

Since my losses haven't been as epic as I'd expected (okay, so 41lbs in 8 weeks isn't anything to sneeze at, but still), I'm trying to step back and celebrate where I can. Since I still haven't gotten my hands on a measuring tape, this seemed like a fun one to celebrate.

And because I like visual reminders - here's one to show me how far I've come, how much I needed this and that I may actually be in new territory. That picture on the far left was the goal I was working toward in 2009 and I think I've gotten there. I have no idea what comes after this and that's both exciting and absolutely terrifying.

October Recap: Stalls and NSV's

October's over, so before jumping headlong into the holiday season (which is probably my favorite time of the year), I think an update is in order.

First, let's get the big-bad stuff out of the way. Stalls. Yes, they happen and yes, I was expecting it. That doesn't mean I like it any better though. The scale has not been my friend for the last 2 weeks or so - bouncing up and down the same 2-3 pounds. Granted, I am 1lb less today than I was last week, however just saying that out loud is kind of depressing.

One. Pound. Really? Yes, really. There's this mental struggle I'm dealing with, that I'm sure many WLS patients go through.

I just put my body through hell and back and I've lost one stinking pound in the last week. I could lose more than when I had my whole stomach and my intestines hadn't been re-routed. Why the heck am I doing this again?

Those thoughts and many more have been swirling around in the back of my mind, but I've been doing my best to keep them at bay. I know they're not useful or productive, something that I don't have much room in my life for right now. I give myself permission to have my little pity party at some point during the day and then move on. Eventually the scale and I will become friends again, I just need to give my body a chance to catch up and stop freaking the heck out.

I might also get around to taking measurements one of these days - which may also help with getting through these stalls with some amount of dignity and grace.

Now onto the good stuff - the non-scale victories. These are changes that I can measure by something other than  the digital readout on the scale.

The first is that I'm finally wearing both my wedding and engagement rings again. I've been able to wear them both, on and off, since my wedding but it was always a bit tight. Honestly, I think they were even a bit tight on my wedding day - but I'd have to dig through some old pictures before I could say for sure. Today though (and for the past week or two) they not only fit, but they're getting loose. This is both an awesome triumph and a conundrum.

They're going to get looser - hopefully by quite a bit. When the heck do I get them resized? Obviously I'd rather not go into the jewelers every few months to get them adjusted, but I also don't want to go months without wearing at least one of them. Even when my fingers were too fat for both, I always managed to squeeze my wedding ring on. Considering the hubby's ring has already hit the point of not fitting, I suppose it may be time to get a nice chain and wear them around my neck until our fingers stabilize.

I am, however, left with a conundrum there. There's another ring I have, which I've worn since it was given to me somewhere between 2001 and 2003. This was given to me by a dear and close friend and I've NEVER taken it off. Somehow, even when my fingers were too big for my wedding ring, this one always still fit. The problem is, I don't know that it's one that can be re-sized and that makes me sad. I'll definitely try, but I'm definitely not looking forward to the day when that one starts slipping off my finger. It's honestly been like my little talisman - there through thick and thin, the good and the bad, whatever. Silly, I know - it's just a ring - but if you understood the history, you'd understand the attachment.

The second is I'm fitting into more clothes - and not fitting into others.  Both of these are worth celebrating.

The other day I was able to buy a 2X sleep shirt (with PENGUINS) from WalMart. Not only did it fit, but it fit the way it was meant to and isn't tight.

This past weekend I wore a pair of jeans that I haven't fit into since around 2004 or 2005. I don't remember exactly, but I know I was living in Tacoma with roommates (one psycho and the other awesome haha).

I no longer fit into my bras and had to buy new ones. The good news is, for the first time in ... ever (?), I was able to go to WalMart and spend less than $30 on a single bra. They're not the prettiest things and are more functional than anything else, but they'll work for now.

There have also been some physical victories that are worth celebrating. I was able to take Little 1 and Little 2 trick-or-treating by myself on Halloween. Not only did this involve the stroller and carrying Little 2 when she got tired of said stroller, but it also involved lots of walking. I'd say we clocked close to 2 miles total. I've also started walking Little 1 to preschool every day and am noticing that the walk is getting easier. I still dread the hills, but I don't feel like I'm dying halfway home.

Oh and having energy at 4:30 in the morning is kind of surreal. Even more surreal is feeling well enough (mornings are REALLY hard for me pain-wise) to get down on the floor and clean up the living room before I start work. Yep - two days in a row now. I'm hoping to keep it up, since it makes it harder for Little 2 to conjure paper out of thin air. I've also found myself able to handle more housework after I get done with work in the afternoon. Don't get me wrong - I still dread it with every ounce of my being - but at least I feel like I have enough energy to get it done before it's time for bed.

There's one more - that's actually pretty darned silly - but when you've been fat your entire life things like this make you stop and smile. Hubby and I were in the kitchen making dinner or something kitchen-y. Well, our kitchen has a huge island in the middle that houses our stove top and some counter space. Two months ago, if one of us was working at the counter and the other needed to get past, it was a tight squeeze. If there were knives involved, one of us would normally move. Well, as I said, the other night we were in there and Hubby was at the counter making something. I was wandering around the kitchen - either herding children or putting things away, I don't remember - and needed to get past him.

Not only did I not have to squeeze to get by - but I also didn't have to turn sideways. I just walked right by! After I did it I stopped, looked and did it again just for prosperity. It was pretty darned cool, if I do say so myself.

14 more days until I hit my 2 month surgiversary - I'm anxious to see where I land. I hope that, by then, the scale and I are on good terms by then. If not, I may finally listen to the advice and ditch it for a while.

....Nope, not really.

Next up: What's 'Normal' Anyway?

One month down + Progress picture

I can't believe it's already been a month. On the one hand it seems like it couldn't possibly have been that long ago - I mean wasn't I just hobbling around in pain? On the other hand life seems so relatively 'normal' now that it feels like it's been longer than that.

So how am I doing?

Well, first, I'm down a total of 27 pounds since I walked into the hospital on 9/18/14. That brings my total weight loss for 2014 (so far) to a grand total of 64lbs. The odd thing is I've noticed a bigger change in my body during the last 27lbs than I did during the previous 37lbs - but such is the reality of weight loss. At 4 weeks out I'm expecting to hit a stall any day now - and while I'm not looking forward to it, at least I think I'm mentally prepared. I still haven't taken my measurements but I am tracking my physical changes based on how clothes are fitting.

Speaking of clothes - I now have more than 1 pair of jeans that I can wear and more than 2 shirts. This is an especially good thing considering we're coming into the cooler weather. I'm still not fitting into all of my jeans the way I want to - but I can tell I'm getting there. I can also comfortably wear Ray's t-shirts. I know that for most wives that sounds like a silly achievement to be celebrating - but when your husband's shirts have always been too tight on you, it's kind of a big deal. I discovered they fit about a week ago when I was running out of the house to get Oliver to school on time. I threw one on and realized it was baggy. Since then I've worn a couple more and Ray's started hiding them from me. :) I can't honestly say that I've gone down a size yet but I can say that things are fitting more comfortably.

My pain level is pretty much back to pre-op - meaning I'm just dealing with my normal aches and pains. They're a little more severe because I'm not able to take my Aleve yet - but I'm pushing through it and making due. I know I'll be back on the Aleve in the next few weeks, but I'm trying to hold off for as long as possible to give my new stomach a chance to heal some more. Aside from that, I don't have much pain left over from surgery which is awesome.

Eating is going okay. I'll be honest, sometimes it doesn't feel like I had surgery. Not that I've sat down and eaten an entire - well, anything other than a cup of broth - but I don't feel as different as I thought I would. Now my body does do a good job of reminding me that the plumbing is working a bit different, especially when I'm not mindfully eating. That's probably my biggest challenge right now - especially if I'm not able to sit at a table and focus on eating. I'm working on it though. I'm still doing protein shakes - 1 to 2 per day for the moment, though I'm hoping to bump it back up to 3 by the end of the month. I'm also eating more 'real' food - like eggs, hamburger, chicken, deli turkey meat, etc. So far so good - no issues. I'm DYING to try coffee, but haven't gotten up the nerve yet. Mostly I'm worried about what it'll do to my stomach. Oh and I'd love a salad or just a plate of crunchy veggies. Those are still several weeks away (if not several months), which makes me a little sad, but I know they'll be something I can eventually eat (some of).

Last but not least, my husband had his surgery this week. As I predicted, he's the problem child. First there was a huge challenge getting his pain under control in the hospital. And by challenge, I mean they failed horribly and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. He's extremely resistant to narcotics and other pain relief methods, so even 2mg of their strongest stuff barely took his pain level down below a 7. I was highly frustrated. Then, when that didn't work, they gave him weaker stuff that actually keeps him awake. I was happy to get him home and be able to control his medication and give him something to help him sleep. He's having a lot more pain and nausea issues than I did - which we expected as he had a more sensitive stomach to begin with. So far he's managed to drink water, a bit of tea and eat a little jello. I'd really like to get some broth in him but he says it all tastes too sweet or salty. Again - the complete opposite of me. Nothing has really tasted off - though some things can seem a bit heavy on the salt.

It sucks seeing him in pain and struggling more than I did - but knowing I can help him makes it a little easier.

So now we're both on this journey together - here's to what the future holds. In the meantime - here's a look at how far I've come since this started:

BEFORE - 9.18.14

- 25lbs - 10.16.14

-25lbs - 10.18.14

BEFORE - 9.18.14

Life on the Dark Side + a few milestones

Today marks 3 weeks since my surgery. I never meant to be so silent, but between trying to recover and getting back to life as usual (Mom's don't get sick days) I've been too tired to do much writing or recording.

Week 1 was probably the hardest. I was still in pain - both from the surgery and my back due to sleeping in ungodly positions. I was exhausted because I wasn't sleeping through the night yet and I was back to work by Day 6. By day 8, it was pretty much back to business as usual - with the exception of having to cook for the kids and trying not to have to carry the baby. During this time my stomach was doing fine, but I was getting very tired of broths. I was actually looking forward to my first protein shake. The only thing I was having trouble with (and honestly still am) was taking my meds. By the time I'd get most of them down I'd feel overfilled from the water. This isn't so great when you're supposed to be taking 12 multi-vitamins and 12 calcium pills - in addition to Tylenol and 2 prescriptions - every day.

Week 2 was definitely better and I started experimenting with different soups. I'll admit - I splurged and indulged in a couple of cream soups and I'm so glad I did. They helped break up the monotony of protein shakes and chicken bullion. I also transitioned from using Almond milk to using regular milk in my shakes. The good news is - I can still tolerate the milk. :) A lot of people who have this surgery come out lactose intolerant to some degree on the other side. For some it's temporary and for others it seems to last for the long-term. This makes me happy because it gives me some extra fat (which DS patients need) and protein with my shakes. I'll still use Almond milk (unsweetened plain or vanilla) if it's available, but it's nice to have an alternative when we run out. The pain continued to lessen and, the best part, I got to sleep in bed! I started off using a pregnancy pillow I had leftover from last year but slowly graduated down to my normal pillows. Unfortunately, I can still only lay on my right side or on my back and both positions result in me waking up in pain for one reason or another. I've also been having a hard time sleeping through the night. My normal routine seems to be that I wake up somewhere between 12am and 2am and then stay awake for at least 30 minutes (sometimes longer). This really sucks when you have to be up for the day at 4:30am AND are caffeine free.

My major accomplishment for this past week is getting back into the habit of walking Oliver to school. Prior to this week, I honestly didn't feel physically up to the 1.5mi round-trip. I might have been braver, except I have to be sure I'm back by the end of my lunch - which means my walk back has to be done in less than 20 minutes. So on Tuesday I sucked it up and took the plunge. I'm happy to say I was able to do it and even went back for round 2, when Ray walked with me to go pick him up. THAT was probably a bit much - but I'm still proud I did it and hope it starts getting easier soon.

Aside from all of that - I do have a few other triumphs to celebrate.

The first is that, for the first time since I got pregnant with Oliver, I'm below 300lbs. I've lost a total of 17lbs since surgery and a grand total of 53 since I first saw Dr. Srikanth back in July. I'm definitely proud of myself, but also frustrated. Why? Well, my pants still fit. While that's not necessarily a bad thing - I mean I NEED to wear pants - I also don't feel like there's been that big of a 'transformation' for someone that's lost over 50lbs.

Then, I put on one of Ray's t-shirts and saw a bit of what was to come. Let me explain - Ray's t-shirts are all either 3x or 4x. I've tried wearing them before, and while I fit into a 3-4x in women's clothing, his shirts were too tight on my tummy. In order to wear them, I'd have to try and stretch them out - and even then I'd look a few months pregnant. Well yesterday, in a rush to get out the door on time, I decided to grab one of his t-shirts since I'd just be driving Oliver to school. Much to my surprise, the shirt fit - not only fit, but was roomy and comfortable.

So obviously, my body IS changing - even if it's not immediately obvious when I look in the mirror or put my clothes on. I think that I'll be taking some measurements to commemorate the 1 month mark so I'll be able to keep better track of the inches I'm losing - and where.

I can honestly say that, so far, there hasn't been any buyer's remorse. I'm glad I took charge of my life and am excited to see what the next several month have in store for me.

Actually - in store for US. Ray's surgery countdown is down to 7 days and then he'll be joining me on the Dark Side. :) Can't wait until we're walking this path together - both literally and figuratively. ;)

Reporting in from the other side....

So, I survived my surgery :) Definitely not the easiest thing I've ever done, but I'm glad that part is behind me.


I checked into the hospital at 5am on 9/18 and discovered I was the first surgery of the day. During check-in, IV placement, introductions and vitals I found myself running the gamut of emotions. No, let's be honest - I was terrified and practically in tears. What was I about to do to myself? Why was I electively (though really, at 315lbs can it really be considered elective rather than a necessity) going to be put under anesthesia for 8+ hours, having most of my stomach cut out and my intestines rerouted? What kind of passion would I be in? What if I didn't wake up?

That last one was the scariest. The idea that I was choosing to go under and may never see Ray or my babies again made me want to get up and walk out. The thing is, I knew if I did that I'd be guaranteeing that one day, much too soon, I'd be doing that anyway. At least if I survived this internal slice and dice, I'd be extending the amount of time with those babies as long as possible. Not only world I be extending it, but I'd be making the quality of that time so much better.

These thoughts weren't quite so coherent Thursday morning, but I didn't get much time to dwell. Shortly after 7am, Kristen (my nurse) and Dr. Srikanth came in and sounded it was just about time. Then the anesthesiologist came in, slipped me a mickey and I was being wheeled to surgery. I remember being told they were putting an oxygen mask on my, that was just oxygen and then I remember waking up with my right arm hurting like I'd been stabbed.

That arm still hurts actually, but I guess having it squeezed continuously by the blood pressure cuff for 9 hours will do that. Yep ... 9 hours of surgery. Won't go into details mostly because a lot of it is still fuzzy for me, but there were adhesions, scar tissue, hernia and a really big liver to contend with. All I can say is thank god I was in such wonderful hands.

The first night was rough, especially with nurses coming in every time I got into a good sleep and wanting me to do things like drink or walk. The next morning wasn't much better but by the afternoon I was told I'd get to go home. The idea of leaving the IV and nurses was scary, but the thought of being comfy, in my own chair without people waking me up or bothering me was heavenly. The only catch was that I'd need to go to St. Francis the next morning for an xray, since my bowels were being lazy.

We got home about 7pm and I happily passed out in my chair for the most part. There were some rough patches, but the pain meds and constant sipping helped. Now, 48hrs after surgery I'm feeling a bit more human.

I've managed to drink close to 40oz of water, a few ounces of broth and a few sips of vitamin water. It's been 3hrs since my last dose of pain meds and I'm not ready to climb the walls in pain. I even managed a bit of time downstairs in the Livingston. Unfortunately the recliner is still the most comfortable spot for me.

I've got a long road ahead of me ... several weeks of liquids and soft foods before I'm eating normally again. Days of slowly working up to being able to walk any sort of distance. Months of learning how my new insides work, what they like and what they don't.

And lots and lots of pounds to lose along the way.

On Support - or lack thereof

I'm not sure if my situation is unique or not, but even though surgery is only 15 days away I've told very few people about it. My husband knows, obviously, and so do my IL's but that's it. I've told my parents I'm having surgery to remove my galbladder and correct a hernia. I don't have any friends I hang out with in person, so no one to tell there. Also haven't said a word about any sort of surgery on Social Media to the friends I keep up with that way.

On the one hand, I'm perfectly fine with this decision. My mother and I have a tenuous relationship (at best), so I really don't feel comfortable divulging all of the details to her. She tends to be a 'know-it-all' and this is one time (outside of parenting) that I don't want her opinions or advice. Obviously if I tell her, I can't tell my dad - plus I really don't want to worry him unnecessarily. I haven't shared on social media because I feel like if I do, I"ll be under a microscope. There are so many misconceptions about WLS that I'm afraid if I'm a slow loser or even never get 'skinny' (which I likely won't - not with 160lbs to lose) there'd be unfair judgments. On the other hand, if I'm seen as losing weight the 'old fashioned way', I feel like the expectations will be less if that makes sense. I think if anyone asks outright, I'd probably tell the truth (privately) but don't yet feel comfortable having that public.

On the other hand - my support is currently limited to my husband, my MIL (to some degree) and online strangers on the WLS forums I've been lurking on for years. I feel kind of isolated and also sad that I'm not really able to share what's going on with other people in my life. This is a huge step in my life and I'd like more people involved, so-to-speak.

I don't know - maybe my feelings on the whole issue will change between now and surgery or after surgery. Right now I'm going with what I feel comfortable with, which is maintaining mostly radio silence outside of WLS communities and my blog which it would take a miracle for people to find (I think at least LOL). 

September 18th, 2014

That's the date I'll be making my way onto the 'Loser's Bench'! I just got the call today, from my insurance company no less. 

My paperwork was originally submitted around 8/4. I gave it a week, called my insurance company and found out it was sitting in the wrong fax queue. So glad I called! This awesome rep, Cynthia, personally got the docs, checked them to make sure there weren't any obvious exclusions (i.e. my hospital wasn't a Center of Excellence or whatever BCBS's term is) and then pushed it over to the correct department. She then followed up with me 3 days later to let me know it was there but a case number hadn't generated yet. 

She said I'd hear back on Monday, but I didn't (which really, I wasn't bothered by), but I did follow-up on my on Wednesday. Got through to the right department only to find out that my file was still sitting in someone's pending queue and, again, hadn't been touched. The rep got his supervisor involved and he personally started the process of creating the case. I got a call later that night from Cynthia, giving me the case number and telling me she'd be following the case personally. This was last Friday.

I called yesterday, got a rep that wasn't quite as helpful but did find out that my case was still 'Pending'. My plan was to call again on Wednesday, since I wanted to be sure it didn't sit in pending for days. Lo and behold, I got a call this afternoon and it was Cynthia letting me know that the procedure had been approved, along with a 2 day hospital stay. WHAT?

So the next hour was a flurry of activity that involved checking on my husband's paperwork, getting it faxed again (they didn't get the actual paperwork for some reason) and then scheduling my appointments. 

Sadly, we discovered that in order to have my surgery at the hospital that's about 10min from home, I'd have to wait until November to schedule. While there's nothing wrong with waiting, there are various reasons that I really wanted to be sure this was done before the end of October. Fortunately the surgeon had 1 slot opened at his other hospital, about 40min away, that was his last before he went on vacation for a few weeks.

So September 18th it is! The next 2 weeks are going to be relatively busy, so I don't even think I'm going to notice the wait.

Next week I have my pre-surgery education class on 9/3. I'm looking forward to that and getting more information about what Dr. Srikanth expects post-op.

On 9/8 I start my 10-day, clear liquid diet. My husband has already said he and the kids will be staying in a hotel from 9/10 until surgery. :p

On 9/15 I have my final consultation where I'm sure we'll go over a lot more information.

Then at 5am on 9/18 we make the 40 minute drive to get me checked in for surgery.

This will be the first time since I was 17 that I'll be going under general anesthesia for longer than 30 minutes. This will be only the second time I'm having any sort of major surgery.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared - I am. There's a lot of 'unknown' ahead of me, but also so much promise.

Goals

Today we took the kids to Remlinger Farms. It's a large local farm with some fun rides and activities thrown in. It's our first time going and while it's been a lot of fun, it also helped make me look forward to next summer. There were a few rides that our son wanted to go on, and while he was tall enough the problem was we were too heavy to accompany him.

I can't wait for next year when that, hopefully won't even be a worry.

My goal by next summer is to be light enough that I can ride the Flying Pumpkin, the roller coaster and Barrel rides with Oliver.

So the current goal?  200lbs ... which would mean a loss of 127 from where I am right at this moment. I know it's a lot, but I'm going to bust my butt to get there.

Waiting Game

It's official - all of my Pre-Op requirements (except the weight-loss and 1 test) are complete. I've also satisfied all of the initial insurance requirements for approval - so all of my docs have been submitted for pre-approval. Fingers crossed! The PC at my surgeon's office says they usually hear back within a couple of weeks. I may start calling next week just to 'check' on things.

All my tests came back good with the exception of an umbilical hernia, slight Hiatal hernia and some of my blood work was off (iron, live enzymes, etc - nothing unexpected). I think my least favorite test was the Upper GI (swallow study). I've never had one, so had no idea what to expect which was probably a good thing. That stuff they make you drink is DISGUSTING! I barely made it through the test without throwing up. I really hope I don't have to do another one right after surgery, because I can't imagine how I'd be able to keep it down.

The only things I have left to do are get my infusions of iron and turn in my 24hr urine test. I figure I'll do that next Sunday and drop it off on Monday when I have to bring the hubby to the hospital to do his testing.

This is probably going to be my least favorite stage - where I get to sit and wait until we hear back.

I'm still on the mostly-liquid diet and plan to stay on it until 10 days before surgery. Then I'll go on my clear-liquid diet in prep. As of last Friday I had 17lbs left to lose. It's been a bit slow-going this week, but I didn't really start until Monday. Either way, as of today I'm down around 5lbs ... so 12 left to go! If I can get my butt in gear, that (hopefully) shouldn't be a problem at all.

As we get closer and closer to approval, I find myself getting more nervous and scared. I think it's normal. I keep wondering if this is really the path I need to go. I mean, I'm losing weight on this pre-op diet, so why not just stick with it for a while until  lose weight? The problem is I fell into that trap before and I know how it ends. I lose a good amount of weight (usually in the 60-80lb range), then I start slacking off and before you know it I've gained it all back. There's nothing that's FORCING me to stick to it and keep from cheating. There's no consequences other than slowly tightening pants that I can ignore for a while. I know I need more than that.

I need help to keep me on track for longer than a few months. Restriction, malabsorption and physical side-effects if I don't follow plan. Yes, I know I can't count on those side effects but at least I can count on the rest. I'll have a smaller stomach that will feel full sooner. I'll have lost a good portion of the stomach that releases the hormone that makes me think I'm hungry.

I think my biggest fear is having this surgery and then becoming one of those people that doesn't lose or winds up gaining back most of their weight. I hope I have the mental and physical strength to keep that from happening.

The Good, the Bad and what I'm doing about it

So first the good news - as of t his morning I'm 14lbs down in 16 days. I had a slight regain at the end of the first week due to poor choices. I also think we were both treating it as a 'last supper' type of thing because the liquid diet was looming.

Still, if I can maintain this rate of loss I'll be at my goal weight by mid-August.

The bad news - the liquid phase is torture and I didn't do very well.

Between trying to choke down a protein shake that tastes like rotten monkey butt (though the cocoa powder helped a little) and feeling like absolute crap all last week, it was miserable. I know ther's usually a certain level of 'detox' to be expected, but I'm doing this to get healthy - not to feel even worse than I normally do.

The challenges:
1 - the level of salt in most broths was triggering headaches. Due to my BP, I'm sensitive to salt and I guess not eating anything to balance it out increased that sensitivity. The ones that are low-sodium have absolutely no flavor and despite being hungry I had trouble forcing myself to drink them.

2 - I HATE SUCRALOSE. Seriously - I cannot stand the flavor. I don't understand how people can live on it and don't notice the flavor difference. I can take a taste of something and immediately tell you that it has sucralose by that nasty after-taste it leaves in my mouth. This means that these protein shakes, sugar-free jello, sugar-free pospicles are about as appetizing as eating dirt. I deal with it while drinking the protein shakes, but it pretty much eliminates the other 'free foods' I'm allowed.

The above challenges, combined with the nurse's failure to explain a few details about this portion of the diet, meant I was subsisting on 2-3 12oz protein shakes a day and maybe 1 cup of broth. Oh and my multivitamins and calcium of course.

So the hubby and I had a talk about it and have decided to make adjustments. Yes, I fully understand I won't have the freedom to do this after surgery, however I do now and am taking advantage of it. Plus, when the hubby had his consult with the (same) surgeon he was just told to lose the weight and the surgeon ultimately didn't care how.

So for week 2 of our 'liquid' phase, we've mad the following changes.

- Picked up 2 cases of the Premier protein shakes. The surgeon isn't a fan of these because of the protein degrading or something along those lines, but I can stomach these. I don't feel like I'm marching along death-row every time I have to drink one.

- We're picking up 1 container of Body Fortress protein powder from WalMart. I've heard that it tastes decent and I'm willing to try. I'm making sure it's a flavor other than chocolate.

- We're eating a sensible, protein-centric dinner. This has helped tremendously. The first night, after about 5-6oz of steak and a 1/2 cup of veggies sauteed in coconut oil I felt 100% better. My headache started going away, I didn't have the shakes, I didn't feel sick.

So far so good. I'm still losing. I feel human again. I can think clearly again. I can work and take care of my kids the way I have to every day and not want to just sleep.

If I notice that it's seriously stalling my weight-loss, I'll re-evaluate. Right now though, I've got to do what I've got to do to survive.

In other news, just 6 days until I go have my EGD and the majority of the other testing I have to get done. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also nervous. It's been 16 years since I was under anestisia or in the hospital for anything other than child birth. I know I'll be fine - hubby was fine after his 3 years ago. I think it's normal to be a little apprehensive though.

I just keep reminding myself that it means I'm that much closer to being able to get a surgery date. I'll have 75% of my testing done that same day. Then I'll get the remaining 25% done the following Friday along with my cardiologist visit and the nutrition consult. I think it's then just a matter of waiting for insurance approval once the office gets all of the paperwork submitted. I think I'll feel a lot better about all of this (including the torturous liquid diet) once I have a date. Once I have a surgery date, then at least I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I can't say an 'end date', since I know I'll be back on the liquid diet after surgery, but at least I'll have a goal. I do much better when I have a goal or a countdown to use as reference. Then it doesn't feel like I could be doing this for weeks and for no reason (well, other than whatever weight I manage to lose) if I can't get approved for surgery.

Moving right along

So since my last update I've survived my 1 week of high protein, low carb eating. It wasn't too bad, especially since I followed a lot of my Whole30 strategies. I also managed to drop around 8lbs which isn't to bad. I'd hoped for more, but considering I had a hard time getting in regular exercise, I'm not going to complain.

This week I've started my 2 weeks of clear liquids and it's definitely tough. I'm home with the kids all day and between prepping their food and having to feed the youngest, it's kind of torture. I'm starting to realize how often I take a bite or taste of her food during mealtime. If it didn't require massive amounts of clean-up, she'd be full-on finger foods. I know it'll get easier - but during these first few days it's definitely harder than I expected. I'll admit, I was looking forward to the 'ease' of this phase, for the sheer fact that I wouldn't have to put much thought or prep into what I'm going to eat. I think I'd enjoy it more if it was just and my husband (who's being a champ and doing this with me!) that I had to worry about. Ah well - the life of a parent. :)

On the upside, I did discover that adding a scoop of unsweetened cocoa powder to the shake helps the taste tremendously. I also think I'll be picking up some sugar-free syrups to help with the flavor, as well. I definitely need to find at least one other shake option, because chocolate is going to get really old really fast. I wish there was an option that didn't use sucralose, because I have a hard time with that flavor.

I am hoping for some big losses with this stage. I have to lose 35lbs before I have surgery and I think I'll have all of my pre-op testing and requirements fulfilled by August 1st. Once that happens it's just a matter of getting insurance approval and I think we can set a surgery date. I really want to get this done the first week of September to ensure I'll have double-coverage for my insurance and so that I'll be a couple of weeks out from surgery when it's time for my daughter's first birthday. I want to be able to celebrate and enjoy the milestone. 

Anyway, that means I've got to lose around 27lbs more in just a few weeks. Even when I was hardcore dieting and working out 1-2hrs/day, it would still take me a few months to lose that amount. It's intimidating and discouraging but I'm trying to stay positive. If my intake is around 800-900 calories a day for 2 weeks, it's got to result in some decent loss. If not, I'm in trouble even after surgery LOL

In less stressful news, I did my psych consult yesterday. As long as I don't come back as a raving lunatic, that should be all they need to submit my paperwork for approval.

So fingers crossed and lots of losing weight vibes going on over here! 

Big Day #1 - Consult with the Surgeon

I had my consult with Dr. Srikanth today and overall it went as I expected. No, actually, it went exactly as I expected. He definitely recommends the DS as the best surgery for my situation. I don't have to jump through a bunch of hoops with my insurance company, meaning no 6 month supervised diet (as of yet). I just have to get my Psych evaluation done and provide proof of past, failed weight-loss attempts. I've got logs from SparkPeople, Weight Watchers and doctor's records that should suffice. I do have to lose 10% prior to surgery, which at this point is going to be somewhere in the range of 35lbs. To do that, Dr. Srikanth has me following his 'sandwich diet' - which looks o-so-fun!

Starting next week I get to eat high protein, low carb for a week. Breakfast is protein and more protein, lunch is protein plus some veggies if I'm still hungry and dinner is a salad with added protein. That doesn't worry me too much - it's a lot like the Whole30 I did last year prior to getting pregnant and I loved how I felt on it. 

The week after, however - not such a fan! For the next 2 weeks (yes, 2 weeks) I get to do a clear liquid diet that consists of 80oz of water/liquids, clear broths and 3 protein shakes per day. I can have all of the sugar-free jello and popsicles I want - well I could if I could stomach the taste. I can't stand fake sugar, so unless I get really desperate I'm going to be skipping those. I know that'll be challenging when it comes to the protein shake, but I'm going to do my best to find one that doesn't taste like total crap thanks to the nasty sucralose. Yes - I can taste the difference.

After that, I get to go back to Week 1 and rinse and repeat until I've lost enough weight for him to schedule me for surgery. My goal is to have my surgery by the beginning of September, so I've got my work cut out for me but I also have a lot of motivation to stick to the rules. 

I also have to find a way to fit in 90min of exercise every day and, I have to be honest, I'm stuck on that one. I work from home and take care of my kids, so it's not like I can just go for a quick jaunt on my lunch break and then again before I get home at night. It's going to take some creative scheduling - okay, a lot of creative scheduling considering my schedule. Don't get me wrong, I know I need to make exercise a part of my daily life, even after surgery, it's just hard to figure out where it'll fit in and still allow me time to eat, sleep and spend time with my husband.

There's also a long list of tests and appointments I have to schedule. I already have my EGD and Nutritionist appointments scheduled for the end of this month. I still have to get a bunch of blood work, an electrocardiogram, a psych evaluation, a consultation with a cardiologist, a pulmonary function test, an EKG and I think 1 or two other tests. My head is spinning just thinking about it all.

I decided to use the weekend to take a breath, get my food in order and then start scheduling everything on Monday.

Here we go again!  Here's hoping I can make it to the end this time. :)

Reminders of why I'm doing this - Part 1: Medical

I'm a planner. I'm a researcher. I'm a worrier. Those three things aren't bad on their own, but when put together it becomes fun. What it means for me is that I'm constantly in a state of flux between being incredibly excited and incredibly terrified about the journey ahead of me. I know this will continue from now until they start the anesthesia and I'm okay with that, as long as it doesn't make me change my mind (unlikely) or make me drag my feet (much more likely).

So I've started making mental lists of things like NSV's I can't wait to have, weight milestones I'm excited to meet, things I want to make sure I do with my kids, ways I want to celebrate and so many other things to keep my outlook as positive as possible. This entry isn't dedicated to the fun stuff, though. This entry is dedicated to the nitty, gritty, sometimes embarrassing medical and physical reasons I NEED to have this done.

So here we go.

Let's start with the list of medications I have to take daily.

6 Aleve

300mg of Labetalol

25mg of Hydrochlorothiazide

300mg of Wellbutrin

2000mg of Metformin XR

All in total that equals out to 15 pills per day. Don't get me wrong - I understand that I will be taking a large number of vitamins and supplements after surgery, but I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with needing this many prescription medications at age 33.

Now the underlying conditions:

- Hypertension: I've had high blood pressure since I was a pre-teen. That's an extremely long time. I didn't become good about taking my medication until I was late teens or early 20's, but even so that puts me at over 10 years of being on blood pressure medications of varying strengths. High blood pressure, even when it's treated, does nasty things to the body. It's part of the reason that, when I'm pregnant, I always test positive for protein in my urine. Usually that's a sign of impending pre-eclampsia, but for me it's 'normal' ... which isn't good. I want to be 50 with a set of working kidneys, thank you very much.

- Enlarged Heart: When you're classified as "Super Morbidly Obese" and have never been just Obese or overweight in over 20 years, your body has to work harder to do things. That includes things like walking, standing and moving blood from one place to another. I was first diagnosed with an enlarged heart about 4-5 years ago I think. It wasn't anything they were horribly worried about, but it's certainly not ideal. Again, I'd like to reach 50 (or 60 or 70) with a working heart.

- Sleep Apnea: So, don't get me wrong - I absolutely adore my machine and the fact that for the first time in quite a few years I can get a good night's sleep. I don't wake up with headaches all the time (well, unless I'm congested), I usually have energy if I've been able to get a decent night's sleep and I just feel better. That said, I'd love to not have to go to sleep looking like someone preparing to walk through a gas cloud or to worry about where my hose is. I'd love to not have to worry about packing it and never being able to spontaneously stay at a hotel or sleep somewhere other than at home because I don't need my machine. Right now that's just not possible. No matter what, I need that mask to sleep otherwise I feel it the next morning. Granted, getting rid of sleep apnea isn't a guarantee, but at least if I do lose weight I'll know I did what I could.

- PCOS: So first, being overweight doesn't cause PCOS but PCOS can contribute to you being overweight. It's all about hormonal imbalances and hormonal imbalances don't just affect things like mood or fertility. They also affect weight and how your body metabolizes food. Insulin is a hormone and at the root of PCOS is usually some sort of issue with how your body deals with insulin. I know this and I've proven it to myself in the past. I've fixed it in the past as well - it's how I wound up with two beautiful children. That said, I don't want it to be fixed for a little while only to come back with a vengeance anymore. For me, PCOS is a downward spiral of symptoms that all conglomerate into me being one big mess. I know that losing weight will help, but I know that being able to actually keep that weight off will get me to a point where it's 'fixed'. I don't necessarily want more kids, but I'd like my body to work right, y'know?

- Depression / Social Anxiety: So yes, this is a surgery that's meant to fix my stomach, but I'm also hoping that it will also help fix my head just a little. I'm hoping that as I approach a more normal size it might be easier for me to interact with other people without feeling like I'm about to walk across fire. I'm hoping that by losing weight and being able to exercise and be more active it will help with my depression. Because exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy and happy people don't murder their husbands. ;) Beyond that I just want to feel normal and not freak out so much about having to interact with other Mom's at my son's school because I'm the biggest one there.

- Chronic Pain / Arthritis: Extra weight on the joints is bound to cause more pain than normal, but I'm at a point where I am in constant pain. From the time I wake up in the morning until I go to bed I have achy, stabbing and throbbing pain in most parts of my body. Right now as I'm writing thisI have sharp pains in my neck, my shoulders and middle back are burning, my lower back is achy, my feet are stiff and sore and I know that when I get up there will be additional aches in my hips and a sharp, shooting pain in my lower back when I try to pick up my 8 month old daughter. Again, I know that losing weight may not (and probably won't) "fix" all of these problems. I've done what I'm guessing is irreversible damage to my lower back and neck. I've broken both of my ankles 3 times. I've had whiplash 3 or 4 times. Those problems are with me forever. What I do know I'll get from weight loss is less pain. Maybe I won't have to take 6 Aleve a day just to be able to function. Perhaps I'll be able to wake up in the morning and not need to immediately jump into a hot shower so I can move. Hopefully I'll be able to get up and down from playing with my kids and not have to groan in pain because something is hurting.

Overall, if you're looking just at my physical state, I've got a pretty darned low quality of life right now. I realize that it could be so much worse and i'm thankful every day that it's not, but the point is that at my age it shouldn't be where it is. Not only that, but if I keep going the way I am, it's only a matter of time until things do start getting worse.

I've got way too much to live for to let that happen. I've got a husband, a 4 year old boy and an 8 month old little girl that I want to be able to enjoy and right now I just can't.

So that's my list of medical reasons. I'm sure I'll be coming back to this in the coming weeks while I'm trudging my way through my Surgeon's pre-op diet (1 week low carb/high protein, 1 week clear liquids, rinse and repeat), going through all of my tests and ultimately preparing for surgery. I'm going to need these reminders and it's a lot harder to brush them off when they're right there in front of you in black and white.

16 days until my appointment.

The Beginning ... Again

This journey really began about 3 years ago when my husband and I first looked into WLS. We were both super morbidly obese and despite our best efforts we were having a hard time doing it in our own. We picked our surgeon, went to the seminar, got all the info and started scheduling our tests. Then, about a month into the process my husband lost his job and with it our WLS coverage. My insurance excluded it.

It sucked. I cried and got angry. Then I moved on with a renewed determination to do it on my own. It would take almost three years, but I did manage to lose around 60lbs on my own. It required a special diet, intense exercise and no cheating. Then I got pregnant, got morning sickness and the only foods that I could keep down were the ones that I had to avoid. The good news is that despite that I only gained back 15lbs. The bad news is after my daughter was born I gained another 15 on top of that.

Despite my best efforts I need help doing this. I need to be able to not have to exercise 2 hours a day to get the weight to come off. I need a longer term solution that will help with me stuck to those healthy food choices because I won't have room for the other ones. Sweets aren't my problem, volume is. I need something that will help me get faster results so I can exercise and not be in constant pain.

So when I started my new job and saw that my benefits included WLS coverage I started mentioning it to my husband. Then he got his job which also offered coverage. It felt like it was time.

I contacted the surgeon we had originally picked because of his expertise and the fact that he performs the Duodenal Switch surgery, which is the one I'm leaning toward. Waiting for them to verify my insurance coverage was the longest week ever but I finally got the email.

On July 3rd, 2014, I'm hopefully taking the first step on a journey that's going to help change and extend my life. Fingers crossed that it all works out this time.