One month down + Progress picture

I can't believe it's already been a month. On the one hand it seems like it couldn't possibly have been that long ago - I mean wasn't I just hobbling around in pain? On the other hand life seems so relatively 'normal' now that it feels like it's been longer than that.

So how am I doing?

Well, first, I'm down a total of 27 pounds since I walked into the hospital on 9/18/14. That brings my total weight loss for 2014 (so far) to a grand total of 64lbs. The odd thing is I've noticed a bigger change in my body during the last 27lbs than I did during the previous 37lbs - but such is the reality of weight loss. At 4 weeks out I'm expecting to hit a stall any day now - and while I'm not looking forward to it, at least I think I'm mentally prepared. I still haven't taken my measurements but I am tracking my physical changes based on how clothes are fitting.

Speaking of clothes - I now have more than 1 pair of jeans that I can wear and more than 2 shirts. This is an especially good thing considering we're coming into the cooler weather. I'm still not fitting into all of my jeans the way I want to - but I can tell I'm getting there. I can also comfortably wear Ray's t-shirts. I know that for most wives that sounds like a silly achievement to be celebrating - but when your husband's shirts have always been too tight on you, it's kind of a big deal. I discovered they fit about a week ago when I was running out of the house to get Oliver to school on time. I threw one on and realized it was baggy. Since then I've worn a couple more and Ray's started hiding them from me. :) I can't honestly say that I've gone down a size yet but I can say that things are fitting more comfortably.

My pain level is pretty much back to pre-op - meaning I'm just dealing with my normal aches and pains. They're a little more severe because I'm not able to take my Aleve yet - but I'm pushing through it and making due. I know I'll be back on the Aleve in the next few weeks, but I'm trying to hold off for as long as possible to give my new stomach a chance to heal some more. Aside from that, I don't have much pain left over from surgery which is awesome.

Eating is going okay. I'll be honest, sometimes it doesn't feel like I had surgery. Not that I've sat down and eaten an entire - well, anything other than a cup of broth - but I don't feel as different as I thought I would. Now my body does do a good job of reminding me that the plumbing is working a bit different, especially when I'm not mindfully eating. That's probably my biggest challenge right now - especially if I'm not able to sit at a table and focus on eating. I'm working on it though. I'm still doing protein shakes - 1 to 2 per day for the moment, though I'm hoping to bump it back up to 3 by the end of the month. I'm also eating more 'real' food - like eggs, hamburger, chicken, deli turkey meat, etc. So far so good - no issues. I'm DYING to try coffee, but haven't gotten up the nerve yet. Mostly I'm worried about what it'll do to my stomach. Oh and I'd love a salad or just a plate of crunchy veggies. Those are still several weeks away (if not several months), which makes me a little sad, but I know they'll be something I can eventually eat (some of).

Last but not least, my husband had his surgery this week. As I predicted, he's the problem child. First there was a huge challenge getting his pain under control in the hospital. And by challenge, I mean they failed horribly and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. He's extremely resistant to narcotics and other pain relief methods, so even 2mg of their strongest stuff barely took his pain level down below a 7. I was highly frustrated. Then, when that didn't work, they gave him weaker stuff that actually keeps him awake. I was happy to get him home and be able to control his medication and give him something to help him sleep. He's having a lot more pain and nausea issues than I did - which we expected as he had a more sensitive stomach to begin with. So far he's managed to drink water, a bit of tea and eat a little jello. I'd really like to get some broth in him but he says it all tastes too sweet or salty. Again - the complete opposite of me. Nothing has really tasted off - though some things can seem a bit heavy on the salt.

It sucks seeing him in pain and struggling more than I did - but knowing I can help him makes it a little easier.

So now we're both on this journey together - here's to what the future holds. In the meantime - here's a look at how far I've come since this started:

BEFORE - 9.18.14

- 25lbs - 10.16.14

-25lbs - 10.18.14

BEFORE - 9.18.14

Life on the Dark Side + a few milestones

Today marks 3 weeks since my surgery. I never meant to be so silent, but between trying to recover and getting back to life as usual (Mom's don't get sick days) I've been too tired to do much writing or recording.

Week 1 was probably the hardest. I was still in pain - both from the surgery and my back due to sleeping in ungodly positions. I was exhausted because I wasn't sleeping through the night yet and I was back to work by Day 6. By day 8, it was pretty much back to business as usual - with the exception of having to cook for the kids and trying not to have to carry the baby. During this time my stomach was doing fine, but I was getting very tired of broths. I was actually looking forward to my first protein shake. The only thing I was having trouble with (and honestly still am) was taking my meds. By the time I'd get most of them down I'd feel overfilled from the water. This isn't so great when you're supposed to be taking 12 multi-vitamins and 12 calcium pills - in addition to Tylenol and 2 prescriptions - every day.

Week 2 was definitely better and I started experimenting with different soups. I'll admit - I splurged and indulged in a couple of cream soups and I'm so glad I did. They helped break up the monotony of protein shakes and chicken bullion. I also transitioned from using Almond milk to using regular milk in my shakes. The good news is - I can still tolerate the milk. :) A lot of people who have this surgery come out lactose intolerant to some degree on the other side. For some it's temporary and for others it seems to last for the long-term. This makes me happy because it gives me some extra fat (which DS patients need) and protein with my shakes. I'll still use Almond milk (unsweetened plain or vanilla) if it's available, but it's nice to have an alternative when we run out. The pain continued to lessen and, the best part, I got to sleep in bed! I started off using a pregnancy pillow I had leftover from last year but slowly graduated down to my normal pillows. Unfortunately, I can still only lay on my right side or on my back and both positions result in me waking up in pain for one reason or another. I've also been having a hard time sleeping through the night. My normal routine seems to be that I wake up somewhere between 12am and 2am and then stay awake for at least 30 minutes (sometimes longer). This really sucks when you have to be up for the day at 4:30am AND are caffeine free.

My major accomplishment for this past week is getting back into the habit of walking Oliver to school. Prior to this week, I honestly didn't feel physically up to the 1.5mi round-trip. I might have been braver, except I have to be sure I'm back by the end of my lunch - which means my walk back has to be done in less than 20 minutes. So on Tuesday I sucked it up and took the plunge. I'm happy to say I was able to do it and even went back for round 2, when Ray walked with me to go pick him up. THAT was probably a bit much - but I'm still proud I did it and hope it starts getting easier soon.

Aside from all of that - I do have a few other triumphs to celebrate.

The first is that, for the first time since I got pregnant with Oliver, I'm below 300lbs. I've lost a total of 17lbs since surgery and a grand total of 53 since I first saw Dr. Srikanth back in July. I'm definitely proud of myself, but also frustrated. Why? Well, my pants still fit. While that's not necessarily a bad thing - I mean I NEED to wear pants - I also don't feel like there's been that big of a 'transformation' for someone that's lost over 50lbs.

Then, I put on one of Ray's t-shirts and saw a bit of what was to come. Let me explain - Ray's t-shirts are all either 3x or 4x. I've tried wearing them before, and while I fit into a 3-4x in women's clothing, his shirts were too tight on my tummy. In order to wear them, I'd have to try and stretch them out - and even then I'd look a few months pregnant. Well yesterday, in a rush to get out the door on time, I decided to grab one of his t-shirts since I'd just be driving Oliver to school. Much to my surprise, the shirt fit - not only fit, but was roomy and comfortable.

So obviously, my body IS changing - even if it's not immediately obvious when I look in the mirror or put my clothes on. I think that I'll be taking some measurements to commemorate the 1 month mark so I'll be able to keep better track of the inches I'm losing - and where.

I can honestly say that, so far, there hasn't been any buyer's remorse. I'm glad I took charge of my life and am excited to see what the next several month have in store for me.

Actually - in store for US. Ray's surgery countdown is down to 7 days and then he'll be joining me on the Dark Side. :) Can't wait until we're walking this path together - both literally and figuratively. ;)

Reporting in from the other side....

So, I survived my surgery :) Definitely not the easiest thing I've ever done, but I'm glad that part is behind me.


I checked into the hospital at 5am on 9/18 and discovered I was the first surgery of the day. During check-in, IV placement, introductions and vitals I found myself running the gamut of emotions. No, let's be honest - I was terrified and practically in tears. What was I about to do to myself? Why was I electively (though really, at 315lbs can it really be considered elective rather than a necessity) going to be put under anesthesia for 8+ hours, having most of my stomach cut out and my intestines rerouted? What kind of passion would I be in? What if I didn't wake up?

That last one was the scariest. The idea that I was choosing to go under and may never see Ray or my babies again made me want to get up and walk out. The thing is, I knew if I did that I'd be guaranteeing that one day, much too soon, I'd be doing that anyway. At least if I survived this internal slice and dice, I'd be extending the amount of time with those babies as long as possible. Not only world I be extending it, but I'd be making the quality of that time so much better.

These thoughts weren't quite so coherent Thursday morning, but I didn't get much time to dwell. Shortly after 7am, Kristen (my nurse) and Dr. Srikanth came in and sounded it was just about time. Then the anesthesiologist came in, slipped me a mickey and I was being wheeled to surgery. I remember being told they were putting an oxygen mask on my, that was just oxygen and then I remember waking up with my right arm hurting like I'd been stabbed.

That arm still hurts actually, but I guess having it squeezed continuously by the blood pressure cuff for 9 hours will do that. Yep ... 9 hours of surgery. Won't go into details mostly because a lot of it is still fuzzy for me, but there were adhesions, scar tissue, hernia and a really big liver to contend with. All I can say is thank god I was in such wonderful hands.

The first night was rough, especially with nurses coming in every time I got into a good sleep and wanting me to do things like drink or walk. The next morning wasn't much better but by the afternoon I was told I'd get to go home. The idea of leaving the IV and nurses was scary, but the thought of being comfy, in my own chair without people waking me up or bothering me was heavenly. The only catch was that I'd need to go to St. Francis the next morning for an xray, since my bowels were being lazy.

We got home about 7pm and I happily passed out in my chair for the most part. There were some rough patches, but the pain meds and constant sipping helped. Now, 48hrs after surgery I'm feeling a bit more human.

I've managed to drink close to 40oz of water, a few ounces of broth and a few sips of vitamin water. It's been 3hrs since my last dose of pain meds and I'm not ready to climb the walls in pain. I even managed a bit of time downstairs in the Livingston. Unfortunately the recliner is still the most comfortable spot for me.

I've got a long road ahead of me ... several weeks of liquids and soft foods before I'm eating normally again. Days of slowly working up to being able to walk any sort of distance. Months of learning how my new insides work, what they like and what they don't.

And lots and lots of pounds to lose along the way.

On Support - or lack thereof

I'm not sure if my situation is unique or not, but even though surgery is only 15 days away I've told very few people about it. My husband knows, obviously, and so do my IL's but that's it. I've told my parents I'm having surgery to remove my galbladder and correct a hernia. I don't have any friends I hang out with in person, so no one to tell there. Also haven't said a word about any sort of surgery on Social Media to the friends I keep up with that way.

On the one hand, I'm perfectly fine with this decision. My mother and I have a tenuous relationship (at best), so I really don't feel comfortable divulging all of the details to her. She tends to be a 'know-it-all' and this is one time (outside of parenting) that I don't want her opinions or advice. Obviously if I tell her, I can't tell my dad - plus I really don't want to worry him unnecessarily. I haven't shared on social media because I feel like if I do, I"ll be under a microscope. There are so many misconceptions about WLS that I'm afraid if I'm a slow loser or even never get 'skinny' (which I likely won't - not with 160lbs to lose) there'd be unfair judgments. On the other hand, if I'm seen as losing weight the 'old fashioned way', I feel like the expectations will be less if that makes sense. I think if anyone asks outright, I'd probably tell the truth (privately) but don't yet feel comfortable having that public.

On the other hand - my support is currently limited to my husband, my MIL (to some degree) and online strangers on the WLS forums I've been lurking on for years. I feel kind of isolated and also sad that I'm not really able to share what's going on with other people in my life. This is a huge step in my life and I'd like more people involved, so-to-speak.

I don't know - maybe my feelings on the whole issue will change between now and surgery or after surgery. Right now I'm going with what I feel comfortable with, which is maintaining mostly radio silence outside of WLS communities and my blog which it would take a miracle for people to find (I think at least LOL). 

September 18th, 2014

That's the date I'll be making my way onto the 'Loser's Bench'! I just got the call today, from my insurance company no less. 

My paperwork was originally submitted around 8/4. I gave it a week, called my insurance company and found out it was sitting in the wrong fax queue. So glad I called! This awesome rep, Cynthia, personally got the docs, checked them to make sure there weren't any obvious exclusions (i.e. my hospital wasn't a Center of Excellence or whatever BCBS's term is) and then pushed it over to the correct department. She then followed up with me 3 days later to let me know it was there but a case number hadn't generated yet. 

She said I'd hear back on Monday, but I didn't (which really, I wasn't bothered by), but I did follow-up on my on Wednesday. Got through to the right department only to find out that my file was still sitting in someone's pending queue and, again, hadn't been touched. The rep got his supervisor involved and he personally started the process of creating the case. I got a call later that night from Cynthia, giving me the case number and telling me she'd be following the case personally. This was last Friday.

I called yesterday, got a rep that wasn't quite as helpful but did find out that my case was still 'Pending'. My plan was to call again on Wednesday, since I wanted to be sure it didn't sit in pending for days. Lo and behold, I got a call this afternoon and it was Cynthia letting me know that the procedure had been approved, along with a 2 day hospital stay. WHAT?

So the next hour was a flurry of activity that involved checking on my husband's paperwork, getting it faxed again (they didn't get the actual paperwork for some reason) and then scheduling my appointments. 

Sadly, we discovered that in order to have my surgery at the hospital that's about 10min from home, I'd have to wait until November to schedule. While there's nothing wrong with waiting, there are various reasons that I really wanted to be sure this was done before the end of October. Fortunately the surgeon had 1 slot opened at his other hospital, about 40min away, that was his last before he went on vacation for a few weeks.

So September 18th it is! The next 2 weeks are going to be relatively busy, so I don't even think I'm going to notice the wait.

Next week I have my pre-surgery education class on 9/3. I'm looking forward to that and getting more information about what Dr. Srikanth expects post-op.

On 9/8 I start my 10-day, clear liquid diet. My husband has already said he and the kids will be staying in a hotel from 9/10 until surgery. :p

On 9/15 I have my final consultation where I'm sure we'll go over a lot more information.

Then at 5am on 9/18 we make the 40 minute drive to get me checked in for surgery.

This will be the first time since I was 17 that I'll be going under general anesthesia for longer than 30 minutes. This will be only the second time I'm having any sort of major surgery.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared - I am. There's a lot of 'unknown' ahead of me, but also so much promise.

Goals

Today we took the kids to Remlinger Farms. It's a large local farm with some fun rides and activities thrown in. It's our first time going and while it's been a lot of fun, it also helped make me look forward to next summer. There were a few rides that our son wanted to go on, and while he was tall enough the problem was we were too heavy to accompany him.

I can't wait for next year when that, hopefully won't even be a worry.

My goal by next summer is to be light enough that I can ride the Flying Pumpkin, the roller coaster and Barrel rides with Oliver.

So the current goal?  200lbs ... which would mean a loss of 127 from where I am right at this moment. I know it's a lot, but I'm going to bust my butt to get there.

Waiting Game

It's official - all of my Pre-Op requirements (except the weight-loss and 1 test) are complete. I've also satisfied all of the initial insurance requirements for approval - so all of my docs have been submitted for pre-approval. Fingers crossed! The PC at my surgeon's office says they usually hear back within a couple of weeks. I may start calling next week just to 'check' on things.

All my tests came back good with the exception of an umbilical hernia, slight Hiatal hernia and some of my blood work was off (iron, live enzymes, etc - nothing unexpected). I think my least favorite test was the Upper GI (swallow study). I've never had one, so had no idea what to expect which was probably a good thing. That stuff they make you drink is DISGUSTING! I barely made it through the test without throwing up. I really hope I don't have to do another one right after surgery, because I can't imagine how I'd be able to keep it down.

The only things I have left to do are get my infusions of iron and turn in my 24hr urine test. I figure I'll do that next Sunday and drop it off on Monday when I have to bring the hubby to the hospital to do his testing.

This is probably going to be my least favorite stage - where I get to sit and wait until we hear back.

I'm still on the mostly-liquid diet and plan to stay on it until 10 days before surgery. Then I'll go on my clear-liquid diet in prep. As of last Friday I had 17lbs left to lose. It's been a bit slow-going this week, but I didn't really start until Monday. Either way, as of today I'm down around 5lbs ... so 12 left to go! If I can get my butt in gear, that (hopefully) shouldn't be a problem at all.

As we get closer and closer to approval, I find myself getting more nervous and scared. I think it's normal. I keep wondering if this is really the path I need to go. I mean, I'm losing weight on this pre-op diet, so why not just stick with it for a while until  lose weight? The problem is I fell into that trap before and I know how it ends. I lose a good amount of weight (usually in the 60-80lb range), then I start slacking off and before you know it I've gained it all back. There's nothing that's FORCING me to stick to it and keep from cheating. There's no consequences other than slowly tightening pants that I can ignore for a while. I know I need more than that.

I need help to keep me on track for longer than a few months. Restriction, malabsorption and physical side-effects if I don't follow plan. Yes, I know I can't count on those side effects but at least I can count on the rest. I'll have a smaller stomach that will feel full sooner. I'll have lost a good portion of the stomach that releases the hormone that makes me think I'm hungry.

I think my biggest fear is having this surgery and then becoming one of those people that doesn't lose or winds up gaining back most of their weight. I hope I have the mental and physical strength to keep that from happening.